A (Not So) Common Occurence
by Hubero
Summary: "When I get my servos on it, I'm gonna tear it apart!" "What are you talking about?" asked Will. "Look what it did to me!" "I don't—Oh…you mean the bird poop?" "Yes!" "Is that all? It's just bird poop. It'll come off with some water. I'll wash it off after breakfast, okay?" "Fine," Ironhide conceded. The Next Morning…"THAT SPAWN OF UNICRON, SOON TO BE OFFLINE ORGANIC!"


**This one-shot takes place sometime after the battle in Mission City and sometime before Revenge of the Fallen starts up. I know Annabelle's probably younger, but in this short story, she's going to be two. Okay? Okay. Now, this follows the movie universe, so—no—my OC Jaime is not in here. It's just Will and Ironhide mostly…and…a guest character as well…**

_***Warning: Rated T simply because of some Cybertronian cursing, courtesy of Ironhide._

* * *

Will took a long sip of his dark coffee, enjoying the rich taste like he did every morning. However, the quiet of the early morning was soon broken.

"Argh!" Will jumped at the angry shout that came from outside. The man quickly shuffled outside to determine the reason for the disturbance before Sarah and Annabelle woke up. He stepped out onto the porch and scanned the farmyard. Nothing seemed out of place, but Ironhide—the family's Autobot guardian—wasn't one to raise the alarm for no reason. Will made his way over to the nearby black topkick pickup to investigate.

"Ironhide?" Will asked when he had reached the truck. "What's wrong? What is it?"

"Disgusting vermin!" the black truck growled in response. Will blinked.

"What?"

"That fragging organic!" Ironhide continued to seethe. "When I get my servos on it, I'm gonna tear it apart!" Will stared at the truck for a few minutes before the Autobot's word's registered.

"Organic?" Will parroted. "What are you talking about?"

"Look what it did to me!" Ironhide growled. Will stared at the black truck. It seemed fine.

"I don't see anything," he muttered.

"It's on the other side," Ironhide rounded out. Will sighed and trudged around the vehicle to the driver's side. He glanced along the surface, trying to look for anything out of place. Again, he came up with nothing.

"I'm sorry Hide," the man sighed, rubbing his face. "I still don't see anything unusual."

"How—How can you not see it?" Ironhide sputtered in disbelief. "It's right there!" The truck lurched forward as emphasis.

"Where?" the confused Will asked, eyes roving over the black metal. There were no dents, no scratches, and no leaking energon.

"There! On my driver's door!" Will gazed at the door.

"I don't—Oh…you mean the bird poop?" Will asked.

"Yes!" the weapons specialist nearly exclaimed.

"Oh," Will stared at the door, then took a drink of his coffee. "Is that all?"

"Is that—IS THAT ALL?!" Ironhide roared.

"Shhh!" Will hissed, glancing at the bedroom windows. "Keep it down!"

"I WILL NOT 'KEEP IT DOWN,'" Ironhide bellowed. "THAT SLAGGING ORGANIC—"

"You're going to wake up Annabelle!" The Autobot immediately shut up. The black truck appeared to vibrate with building fury, but the mech refrained from yelling. Very few things could calm the hotheaded mech enough to listen to reason. One of them was Will's two year old daughter Annabelle.

"It's just bird poop," said Will after a few minutes had passed. "It'll come off easily with some water. I'll wash it off after breakfast, okay?" Ironhide grumbled to himself. "**Okay?**" he repeated.

"Fine," the Autobot conceded. Will turned back to the house but paused at the steps.

"And Ironhide?" he added, turning to face the sulking pickup truck. The topkick grunted in reply. "It happens, okay? It's a common occurrence. Meaning, I don't want you using your cannons to shoot any birds."

"But—"

"No. Guns." Will pointed a finger at the truck. "I **mean** it. Okay?"

"Yes, Will," Ironhide bit out.

* * *

**[The Next Morning]**

Will came down the steps and started up the coffee machine. The man had just sat down at the kitchen table and opened the newspaper to the sport section when he heard a loud string of curses from outside. Will groaned and quickly trotted outside before Ironhide woke up the house, namely, his wife who had a very low tolerance for Ironhide's foul language.

"Hide!" Will half hissed half shouted. "You're going to wake the girls! What is it?"

"THAT SLAGGING SPAWN OF UNICRON, SOON TO BE OFFLINE ORGANIC!" Ironhide bellowed.

"Shhh!" Will snarled. Sarah had been on his case the last week about the weapons expert. She understood that he was there for their protection, but that didn't mean she liked it. Her main concern was whether the big coarse Autobot was a good influence for their daughter or not, partly because of his rough language.

"But Will," Ironhide lowered his voice. "It did it again!" Will tilted his head curiously at the mech's one. Ironhide did **not** whine. At least, not that he knew of.

"What happened again?" Will asked hesitantly.

"That…That bird! That fragging bird leaked on me again!" Will walked over to the black truck's other side. The mech was right. A bird had indeed pooped on the driver door again.

"Well?" Ironhide asked, the pleading note in his tone once more. It was then that Will understood what the weapons specialist was asking.

"No."

"But—"

"**No** guns, Ironhide. Just park somewhere else. You're probably underneath its nest or something," Will crossed his arms, his decision final. Ironhide sunk on his axels, grumbling under his breath.

* * *

**[The Next Morning]**

"Honey!" Sarah called from downstairs. "Come down here!"

"Just a minute!" Will answered, checking himself in the mirror. He was getting ready to head over to the NEST base that was an hour's drive away.

"**Now** Will," Sarah insisted, her voice raising a few octaves. Will sighed, straightened his military uniform, and hurried downstairs and into the kitchen where his frustrated wife was waiting.

"What is it?" She frowned at him.

"That truck," she jabbed an accusing finger in Ironhide's direction, "has been bugging me all morning, trying to convince me to allow him to use his **cannons** on some kind of bird infestation we have!" Her eye was twitching murderously by now. "Do you have any idea what this is about?"

"Um…no," Will backed up a few steps. "But I'll go and find out." Sarah nodded darkly. An unspoken 'you better' hung in the air. The man spun on his heel and jogged out the door. When he was outside, the black pickup fired up its engine and accelerated towards him. Ironhide skidded to a stop a couple of feet away from the man.

"William! Thank Primus you're here," said the Autobot. "Your sparkmate refuses to listen to reason!" Will frowned. Judging by the mech's tone, it sounded like something terrible had just happened.

"Is something wrong?" an increasingly worried Will asked.

"Yes. These flying vermin have continued in their assault and need to be eliminated. Permission to handle the problem?" he asked with a clipped and diplomatic tone.

"Permission to…" Will tilted his head before his gaze sharpened in understanding.

"No Ironhide! How many times do I have to tell you? **No** guns! Um…What do you mean by assault?" The black topkick spun around so the driver door was facing Will. White streaks ran down the door.

"Is that bird poop?" Will asked. "You…you got pooped on again?" The man sighed. "I told you to move."

"I did," Ironhide growled. "The bird is targeting me!" Will chuckled which turned into loud and unrestricted guffaws. The annoyed Autobot fumed silently as Will laughed, his hunched over body shaking in mirth.

"Are you quite finished?" Ironhide asked impatiently.

"Just…just give me a minute," Will gasped, struggling to get his laughter under control. He straightened when his chuckles finally subsided.

"Birds don't target certain cars Ironhide," Will explained with a great amount of humor. "They just…go wherever."

"So this is a common occurrence?" the Autobot asked.

"Well…yea," he shrugged. "I told you that before. Birds poop on cars all the time."

"So you don't find it suspicious at all that this is the **third** time that the animal has leaked on me? **Even** after I altered my position?" he pressed. Will's grin faltered.

"Well," he scratched the back of his head. "I admit…it's kinda strange…But come on. There's no way a bird's purposefully targeting you." Ironhide made a disagreeing sound.

* * *

A week later, Will was sitting outside in the wooden rocker on the porch. It didn't make any sense. Every day, for the past week, the same bird had pooped on Ironhide, without fail. And the strangest part, was that Ironhide had parked somewhere different every day. It really appeared like the bird was truly targeting the black topkick. And every day, Ironhide had been hounding Will about using his cannons on the bird. He'd even gone to his leader Optimus Prime. But the Autobot leader would never consider killing an innocent life. The black weapons specialist had been griping all week and Will was close to breaking.

"Alright, fine!" Will finally relented. "You can try scaring off the bird, but absolutely **no** firing your cannons!"

"Finally!" Ironhide exclaimed. Will wondered what he had just let loose.

* * *

**[The Next Morning]**

Will cautiously made his way outside to the silent truck. There had been no angry shouts or engine revs this morning.

"Ironhide?" Will tentatively placed a hand on the black hood.

"Yes Will?" Ironhide calmly replied. _Uh oh,_ thought Will. The Autobot was calm. Was that a good thing?

"So…" the man trailed. Ironhide waited patiently for Will to ask his question. "How's that bird problem?"

"Nonexistent." Will frowned.

"Meaning?"

"I can guarantee you, that bird shall not be leaking on any more vehicles ever again," Ironhide stated, a little too smugly.

* * *

**[A few hundred miles away]**

If a person were to walk through the large forest and happened to look up, they would have noticed a large congregation of birds sitting on the treetops. In the middle of the large group of birds sat a robin, chirping away his tale.

"And then the black truck just stood up! And the next thing I know, it's pointing these **really** big and really hot things at me. They were glowing blue! And my feathers nearly blistered off!"

"No way!" chirped a blue jay.

"It's true!" piped up a cardinal. "I was targeting this yellow hummer. And one night, it broke apart and just stood up. And then it tried to grab me with its giant hand."

"Really?" asked a sparrow. "Why would it do that?"

"I don't know. It said something like," the red bird cocked its head. "It sounded a lot like 'what a fascinating creature' whatever that means. It also mentioned something about an experiment, but I was already flying out of there. Scared me so bad though, I don't think I'll ever poop on another car again!" The other birds nodded in agreement.

* * *

**Author's Note: Hey guys! So I just got back from South Dakota. I meant to update one of my stories before leaving for vacation but that never happened. I had to finish my final paper for my summer class—WHICH IS FINISHED! Now for my online one -_- Anyways…regarding the inspiration for this one-shot. The reason I'm getting this up so quick after returning home is because I wrote the rough draft in the car on the way home. So I just had to type it up for you guys. How did I think of this? Well…it's uh…been happening to me. Seriously! There's this dang bird that keeps pooping on my car every freaking morning—no matter **_**where**_** I park—and it's **_**always**_** on the driver's door! *Mutters* I swear I'm going to get that blasted bird someday. My family thinks it's hilarious, but I keep telling them that bird's living on borrowed time because if I ever catch it…In reality, that's probably not true. This is probably what would happen. **

**Hubero: *Spots bird sitting in the driveway* **

**Bird: Chirp chirp**

**Hubero: *Leaps onto the bird and tramples it* Die die die you blasted bird! **

**Bird: *Dies* **

**Hubero: *Pumps fists in the air* Yes! You shall never poop on my poor car ever again! Mwahahaha! **

**[Silence] **

**Hubero: *Stares at the bird* **

**Bird: *Dead* **

**Hubero: *Stares at the bird* **

**Bird: *Dead* **

**Hubero: *Gasps and clutches head* Oh my God! What have I done! I just killed a poor innocent bird that probably had a family! **

**Bird: *Still dead* **

**Hubero: *Crouches down* Oh I'm so sorry little bird! *Cries and holds a funeral service for the bird* **

**So yea…I probably wouldn't actually kill it, so all you animal lovers out there can sleep soundly tonight. But I did wonder what would happen if a bird continually pooped on an Autobot, and thus, this story was born. Hope you liked it! :D Now if only I could scare the bird that keeps harassing my car like Ironhide did...**


End file.
